Rollercoaster Feelings

It’s only 12:25 p.m., but I already had my share of downs then ups then downs.

It started when my lead gave me a first written warning for poor quality of work. While the errors were not invasive, it showed that I lacked focus. I took it personally, not as in I had grudges with my lead, but I started to reflect if I was even good at something. I knew, even before, that I was a jack of all trades, a master of none . . . but I wanted to be a master of something. Was my lead already thinking, “Taga-UP pa naman. Bakit ang bobo nito?” or “She’s a writer and an editor before, right? Bakit ganito?” Of course, I am anxious. I am not used to failing others’ expectations, especially when it comes to work. Come to think of it, I was commended for my teaching because I was good at it . . . but I had a burnout. Now that I finally found something that I wanted to do, I am slapped by the universe, telling me that this wasn’t like the textbooks I reviewed before and that I know nothing about real editing.

I am torn between quitting and staying. I told the HR during my interview that I’d only leave if I see that I’m not growing. It has been eight months, but I still get the same comment: I lack focus.

Next, my three-year-old laptop quitted on me. While I’m not worried about my files since I have a Dropbox account (but I guess I won’t be able to retrieve my pictures), I am forced to go to Makati and work using the office laptop. If I arrive there at two, that means, I have to leave there by nine to fulfill my eight hours (I worked an hour at home before my laptop broke). I was supposed to buy Christmas gifts today, but it was cancelled because of this.

I was about to tweet my anxiety and sadness out when I saw that the artist of Hunghang Flashbacks replied to me and retweeted my post (and his girlfriend). This was the only good thing that happened so far.

Still, my mood dropped to its lowest peak, only to be pulled by a comment from one of my favorite artists. Is this like . . . healthy? I feel I am about to have a breakdown, but then I remember the comment, go back to what depressed me, and then smile at his comment.

Then I sigh, confused of what’s happening to me.

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