Anxious About Tomorrow (Sigh)

Maybe the world really started to end in 2012, ano? I mean, an ending doesn’t have to be in a snap, right? Minsan it’s a slow, fucking painful torture.

Being on Twitter more often than on Facebook allows me to get in touch with what’s happening in the country and around the world. Mas gusto ko sa Twitter kasi it’s less toxic (yep, it is) than Facebook.

And recently, the anti-terrorism act has been approved. Ewan, this administration tests my patience talaga. I know that there’s no perfect president, and the previous ones weren’t immune to critics, pero after into, feeling ko magpapasalamat na lang ako kung sinong mang manalo next election. (I hope legit country pa rin ang Philippines, at hindi pa tayo probinsiya ng kung ano man). Although sana it’s not one of his senators, ano?

They are too focused to end their critics, e.

Protesters point out things that are neglected. To improve the system. To remind authorities not to forget their priorities. But this administration is so butt-hurt. Previous presidents had thrown a fair share of parinig and insults to their predecessors, but Duterte took it to the next level. Hindi na lang parinig, e. Talagang eliminate.

I’m a writer, and I have received bad comments from some readers. But I read them, cry about them (siyempre, it still hurts), but use them to continue improving. Kasi that’s what I’m supposed to do. I remember a time how I got really hurt over a comment about 548 Heartbeats, saying na kulang sa kilig and feelings. But you see, if I stopped there, I wouldn’t even be able to write A Miracle, Pares, All That Poison, Tibok, etc. (In one of the classes I attended, I learned not to react to critics. Focus on their message instead and use this to improve your next work.) Sabi ko nga, iiiyak ko lang kasi masakit, pero kailangang bumangon ulit.

I hope Duterte can do that.

Mayro’ng false sense of discipline talaga from authoritarians kasi we all think that discipline can be strengthened through punishment. And as an educator, my take on that is this: if an individual learns to “not do bad” because “they are afraid to be punished,” then if you take away that punishment, they will still “do bad.” But if an individual learns to “do good” because they are motivated and because they are supported by everyone around them, then this individual will “do good” no matter what.

I’m so tired. And I’m just anxious about what’s going to happen tomorrow. Tapos Duterte wants his powers extended? For what? Wala ngang nagbago during the period he was given special powers.

This quarantine has taken a toll on my mental health. I project this anxiety and fear by writing stories, consistently updating, hanggang sa magsha-shut down na lang ako at the end of the day. But this can’t go on forever. It can’t. It shouldn’t.