Blacks, Whites, and Rainbows

Because it’s the first day of June.

Ngayon lang yata ako magiging elaborate about my gender. But here goes nothing. :)

I’m bisexual. Actually, marami namang may alam n’on, but it really took me several years before I could even tell that 548 Heartbeats was inspired by my first relationship (a girl) and unrequited love (a guy). Imagine my fear of being judged, especially when the people close to me condemn the LGBTQ+ community.

I grew up in an all-girl Catholic school, which eventually inspired me to write “CR Break.” Siguro dahil nag-flashback lang sa ‘kin ang elementary days ko. This was when writing letters was a thing, and I wrote to this girl. I kept telling her she was beautiful inside and out, but her friends didn’t believe me (maybe because I didn’t dress like them? Like I dress girly) but believe me when I say that I really did like her. Kaso it failed? Natakot kasi kami pareho when our CLE teacher kind of warned us. Haha. I can’t remember the exact details, but that’s it.

Also, my parents were trad Catholics, and loving the same sex was a “sin.”

I wished many, many times to be a guy instead when I was a kid. If I were a guy, maybe things had gone differently (but then nasa all-girls school nga pala kami so baka hindi rin haha). So maybe this is also why I write guy POVs well, as they say? I don’t know. (Aside from the fact that I read movements well.) But I’ll leave it to critics. Some say kasi that we shouldn’t write what we haven’t felt (still up to debate, but in my case, as long as it’s represented well and thoroughly researched).

Now when I transferred to a co-ed high school, I thought, Okay, maybe this is where I’ll know I like boys. And yes, I did. But the first person I had a crush on was a girl (she’s my friend na hahaha). I also had a fling with another girl (we’re not really close anymore because of what I did) and my first legit relationship was with a girl (she’s in the states, we’re friends). And we had to hide every time.

I remember one of my teachers even telling me, “Are you sure about this? Matalino ka naman.” I honestly took offense on that, but she’s one of the teachers I admire. Anyway, iba-iba naman kasi ang paniniwala, and I understand that. But before, I wanted my ex-girlfriend to be my first and last. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Iniisip ko na it’s okay to live in a small house as long as it’s with her. But our relationship failed (different schools, she lost feelings), so yeah, I just had to accept it. Okay naman kami. :)

So it’s not just having “girl crushes.” I am really attracted to both girls and guys.

Recently, bigla akong napapa-revisit sa mga nangyari sa ‘kin noon. Maybe because my best friend is remembering a past relationship as well, at napapaisip ako how things might have turned out if I didn’t transfer schools. Also, may nagtanong kasi sa ‘kin how come I could write from a lesbian’s perspective (nahihiya magtanong sa #PopFicAskAuthor kaya nagtanong sa Instagram haha). And I’m repeating my answer here: I’m more of a Kabi and a Cara (who was liked by a Kayi and a Ryoko, respectively). I’m looking forward to writing another WLW fantasy story, probably by 2021, but it needs thorough research because it’s something I haven’t explored yet.

The past months have been extremely exhausting, but we’ll make the best out of pride month. Prolly no pride march (best decision given this pandemic) but we will still fight for our rights online, won’t we? :)

Still, #LoveWins.