I’m about to reach 11K (edited: namalik-mata ako na 19K hahaha yawa nakakahiya) on Twitter and 325K on Wattpad. Cheers to me.
Though as much as I like math, these numbers make me anxious. “What can I do to make it go up?” I ask myself. As an author trying to make a living out of writing (but right now it’s nearly impossible), I understand that these numbers sometimes become a deciding factor for some people.
“Ang daming reads! Maganda siguro ang kuwento!” That’s how it works. Kahit no’ng nasa Creative Corner naman ako, gano’n na ang kalakaran. That’s human nature, and that’s okay. Even if sabihin ng iba na “corny naman ang kuwento, e,” still, the author gained reputation and more readership.
This is where “flexing” works and achievements come in. Kumbaga sa artists, they have portfolios and other hashtags so they can get clients who are willing to buy their art.
Unfortunately, weakness ko ‘yon. I guess it’s because of how I grew up. Humility was introduced as “don’t be proud of your achievements, let people applaud you,” that it came to a point wherein I needed to wait for people to affirm me before I can be proud of myself. Up to now, I find it difficult to feel accomplished. This upbringing caused me to worry about what others think if I try to market myself. Yayabang ba ako sa paningin nila? Mga ganyan.
When someone applauds my work, I think before trying to share it because, again, I’m worried about people being annoyed about it. But I realized that if someone in my circle does, then they subtly don’t support what I do, which is sadder. Besides, hindi naman din ako gano’n, so maybe I’m overthinking.
“Published author ka pala! Bakit di mo sinabi?”
Maybe I was also traumatized when people inside my circle seemed to downgrade what I like to do.
“Saan ka nagsusulat?”
“Ah . . .”
Then I find myself defending why I chose this platform, and then I feel guilty about sounding too defensive kasi, sa totoo lang, ano bang masama?
Sobrang hirap i-unlearn.
This is why I prefer Peach. I feel heard and supported as her, but I feel otherwise as Jessamine. (But really, don’t call me by my real name. Di ako sanay.)
So my point is, if anyone is reading this, I’m trying my best to unlearn this attitude, trying my best not to let people in my circle downgrade what I do. I now try to share my works with a few trusted friends to start with, and I was able to reply to “Wattpad? Puro jeje naman doon, telenobela formula (something like this)” with a “Maybe you haven’t tried browsing. Di mo pa siguro nababasa mga gawa ko, ‘no?”
Shiet the amount of anxiety I felt right after hahaha, but somehow, a part of me was proud of myself. So yeah. I’ll start with this: Road to 548K!