The Twelfth of April 2020

Easter Sunday, yes. But it's also my mom's second death anniversary. I still regret that I wasn't able to bring her to Batanes. She'd always say, "Kapag gumaling ako," and I firmly believed that she would. She was strong, unlike me. But even strong people pass away. I still blame myself for that one time …

Am Anxious and Can’t Breathe Properly and Angered by My Father

So you see, I'm at home, trying to continue my novel. Pero nakaramdam ako na hirap ako mag-swallow. Tiningnan ko 'yong salamin and found that my tonsil is leaning to one side. Tapos parang may bumps sa tongue ko. And I have been coughing since Tuesday. Last na labas ko was Monday to have coffee …

Randomly Missing My Mom

My younger brother dreamed about my mother the other day. He said he was seated on her lap in a cradle position when my mother asked me to call Papa and announce she was there. While I was on the phone, she told my brother, "Hindi ko kaya na wala kayo." She has entered my …

I Dreamed of Mama Today

We were lining up for something when I saw her in her sunflower dress, standing, smiling, but not speaking. Her eyes were tired like the one she wore during her last days of her life. After realizing it was Mama—my mom who should have been dead—I knew I was in a dream. But I would …

A Christmas without Her

It's our first Christmas without my mom. Probably why I feel doing nothing inside our house, like I'd rather be outside, having coffee somewhere else, typing these feelings away. I still remember that day. As all people surrounded her, telling her to rest, I was holding her hand, whispering for her to fight. Selfish as …