Good Morning!

Dapat talaga series of tweets lang ‘to, pero ang haba, e. Kapag gano’n na, mas gusto ko na lang mag-blog. Kahit kaunti lang nakakabasa (since mas maraming audience ang threads). Pero sayang ideas na natitigil sa character limit. Anyway . . .

Good morning from my 29-year-old no-makeup, no-filter face! Wrinkles appearing, pores not showing signs of hope. Hahaha, char! Pero grabe kasi isang buwan na lang at 30 na ako, pero itong katawan ko e gusto pa maging 22 (sayaw-sayaw ka pa no’ng New Year, pero paggising sakit na ng balakang ko haha).

Naalala ko lang dati noong bata. Pag line of three na ang age, ang pag-iisip ko, “Hala, ang tanda na niya. Ayaw pa niya magka-baby?” Since 30 noong pinakasal si Mama at sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, mas okay kapag small lang ang generation gap ng parent sa child para parang may tropa pa rin. I aspire that kind of relationship with my parents before; authoritarian kasi parenting nila.

Look how the turn became tables charot hahaha.

Ayoko pa, ayoko pa, ayoko pa. Actually, ayoko. Haha! Madalas ko lang ngitian ‘yong mga taong nagtatanong na kailan ikakasal, kailan magkakaanak. Okay, dito ko na sasabihin in Tagalog: ayoko. Huwag ninyo ako pilitin. It might change in the future, pero ngayon, ayoko. Sa dami ng gastusin? Sinong gusto manganak na si Duterte pa pangulo? Half-charot. Pero I mean, ako nga, hirap na hirap na ako, paano pa kaya magiging anak ko? Napaisip din ako why would I want a child in the first place? Naalala ko lang na lagi akong napapatanong, as early as grade 2, bakit kailangan mabuhay kung madededs din, bakit kailangan mabuhay kung mararanasan kong masaktan, bakit wala akong choice bago ako ipanganak (duh) tapos pagkabuhay ka na, didiktahan ka lang naman ng society kung ano ka dapat.

Parang ayoko maramdaman ‘yon ng kahit sinong tao.

Anyway. Dahil lang sa selfie napa-ponder ako sa buhay. Haha! But these thoughts aside, first time ko yatang maglabas ng no-makeup, no-filter face in decades? Lagi kasi akong naka-makeup sa pictures. Kapag bare face, may filter. Pangit na pangit kasi ako sa sarili ko noon . . . at gusto kong sabihin na hanggang ngayon pa rin pero gusto ko rin ‘to i-unlearn. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga mapuputi, sa sobrang parang puwet ng baby ang balat, sa mga lagpas 5 feet ang height tapos mahaba legs. Pero ngayon, bahala kayo diyan, wala na akong paki. Ang ganda ng ngiti ko rito, e. Tipong akala mo I’ve figured out my life hahaha (pero sobrang layo ko pa ro’n, natuwa lang ako sa sarili ko kasi first time ko yatang natuwa sa no-makeup face ko).

Also, salamat sa mga morenang artista kaya mas na-appreciate ko ang morenang balat ko. Ito. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan ng good representation in media. (Wow, new topic ka agad, self?)

Okay, 9:20 na pala. May deadline ka, huy. Blog talaga inuna pagkagising, ano? Hirap pag nagandahan sa sariling selfie tapos hinaluan ng existential thoughts, e, ano? Hahaha.

Ayun lang. Good morning. Sana maging masaya ka ngayong araw!

 

Dot ePubs

Is there no way out of the mind?

Sylvia Plath, “Apprehensions”

Once I’m done writing and editing each of my stories, I’m bringing my soft copies back. Except for published ones, of course. But not as PDFs, though. Maybe as ePubs, so people could still read offline using a suitable app.

As gift, probably.

For what, who knows.

I wish there were a way out of the mind.

Unstable . . . Again

Trigger warning. Don’t read beyond this point for self-care. Or if gusto niyo lang maka-relate, that’s okay. But if you think you’re also unstable like me and this will trigger something in you, maybe get someone whom you can hug after.


Hi, here I am again, rambling about how I’m not sure with my life anymore. Maybe I’m writing this just in case . . . you know. Journal ba? A proof of how I battled my insecurity, anxiety, and the lack of will to live. Pero napapatanong din ako: Bakit kailangan ng proof? I’ll never know what I’ll leave anyway. Siguro kasi it feels nice to let this out. It feels nice when people can relate and somehow virtually hug you. Ewan.

Alam n’yo yung hindi ka na sigurado sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay mo? I always tell myself, “May pinagaralan ka naman. Graduate ka naman ng UP. Published author ka pa. Ano’ng nangyayari sa ‘yo?” But maybe that’s the root of my anxiety—I have set high expectations for myself. And now that I’m nearing 30, I’m not anywhere near where I wanted to be.

But where do I want to be? Basta sigurado ako hindi ito ‘yon.

I was a teacher in a private school before, left because I was unhappy with my salary and I had an opportunity to teach in public school. But I also left public school teaching because I was too afraid to be sucked in a system that requires us to set high expectations for kids but drowns its teachers with unnecessary paperwork and low compensation. Iyon sana yung gusto kong matutunan at ipaglaban kaya I accepted the opportunity to work in the government, but because I was geared toward editing and lacked mentorship doon sa dapat na goal ko, I changed my career path yet again.

But editing and content writing made me sit eight hours a day and stressed me about two things I loved doing—writing and reading. Kaya to me, o siguro para sa tulad kong na maraming gusto gawin, I should have separated my hobby from my source of income. Marahil yung iba, sinasabi na, “Buti ka nga combined na yung hobby at work mo, e. Hindi ka ba nag-e-enjoy?”

Well, if I were enjoying, I shouldn’t have written this post.

E, pa’no? When I try to find opportunities, kailangan ng MA, kailangan ng experience. Where will I get this? I haven’t even saved enough dahil ngayon ko pa lang inuumpisahan ang mabuhay nang nasa tamang direksiyon, or whatever this may be called, thanks to insurance companies that made me realize that. De puta, ang dami ko kasing expectations sa sarili ko, ano? Gusto na by 30, settled na. E, self, ano ba? Aabot ka ba ng 30 kung unstable ka?

I actually researched about painless methods, but I ended up with “It is a temporary solution to circumstances. And circumstances change.” Oo, sobrang paiba-iba nga ng circumstances, nahihirapan ako. Like one week, I’m super positive that I can do this. The next week, gusto ko na naman mawala.

Okay na. Tumigil na yung panginginig at pag-iyak. Back to regular programming. I hope not to write another post like this.

Ang hirap-hirap hanapin ng contentment.